NO REGRETS!

I've never quite understood the above phrase. I mean, I've heard people say it a lot through my life and I know WHAT it means, I just don't understand how someone can actually say they have "NO REGRETS".

I guess perhaps it is because a little part of me wonders what that would be like. As I sit here pondering back over my 35 years of life, I wish those words could cross my lips or even be typed here on this keyboard in relation to my life.

I'm not saying there has been no good in my life, because clearly there has BEEN, much more good than bad, and even the bad things that have occurred I'm not sure that I would change because undoubtedly they have helped shaped the person I have become (well, and even thinking back on that, perhaps I would change the bad qualities about myself if I could).

Perhaps those individuals who can look back on their life and say the phrase, "No Regrets" believe that focusing on regrets or things that could have been and never were are a waste of time for they can't change what has happened in the past. Perhaps they believe it to be best to live in the moment. Perhaps...

I mean I get it, I really do, if that is their reasoning, but I still can't help but wonder what that feels like--to have a life of no regrets. To not have one thing-- that if you could take it back, you would. I don't know what THAT feels like.

I do know, that I do wish I could say I have lived a life of NO REGRETS. But if I'm honest with myself, I can't.

My first memory of regret, that has never left me, even after all these years, happened at the rare age of 7. I remember all the neighborhood kids playing outside one day and one little boy, who no one ever wanted to play with-- Kevin. He had blond hair. He was a cute boy (from what I recall), he was just younger and he TATTLED a lot. One day in particular has never left my head. We were all playing and it began to storm really bad and we all ran into a screened in patio, except for Kevin. We (the group of neighborhood kids) locked him out in the rain and left him there crying begging us to let him in, but we didn't. We were so mean. Oh, I knew it was wrong, but I never went to let him in either. I let him run home in that storm where luckily he made it back safely.

The biggest part of that regret is that that day, I was a bully--luckily I don't remember ever being a bully at any other time in my life, perhaps it was because little did I know, that less than one year later, my life would have me in a different part of the country and I would be the little girl no one wanted to play with running in a bush crying my eyes out. Karma.

Maybe to some, it seems crazy for me to have an ache in my heart over that for all these years. A regret that can't be changed or taken back, but a regret none the less. What if I had had the courage to open that screen door? Does Kevin ever think back on that event in life, as much as I do? Perhaps yes, perhaps no. I don't know. But if I could change it, I would.

That is just one regret. I have others.

I regret... not being kinder to my parents as a teenager, more respectful---especially to my step father whom I acknowledge as my dad. He married my mom when my sister and I were 10. We were brats with a lot of baggage, but when he married my mom, our lives changed for the BETTER. No we were not rich, far from it. However, for once we had some stability in our lives, he had love for us, he taught us values and manners (and how to write a thank you note) but most of all, he gave us hope for a better future and often times what I gave back was disrespect. I know, many say that's how most teenagers behave, but I regret it. At the time, I did not realize the difference he made in my life, not fully and don't think I really did until I was older--after he had passed away. Another regret---not telling him thank you while he was here. Also, I wish I understood that my mom was just being overprotective because she did not want my sister and I to make the same mistakes in life that she had made. Thankfully, I have been able to thank her.

I regret... not being the kind of sister my twin was to me, as a young child, when she needed me the most.

I regret... some of the words I have spoken to others (my husband, my children, my friends and yes, even strangers). I have sadly learned words are sharp and cut deep and often leave a scar that stays for ever.

I regret... being a follower--falling to peer pressure--- instead of a leader.

I regret...caring too much about what people think---caring too much as to whether someone liked me, and forgetting that the one I should be pleasing the most is Heavenly Father. So much wasted time spent on worrying on what someone said, or was saying about me. Thankfully, I now have the confidence to realize they are the one with the problem.

I regret...not having complete confidence and sometimes when I say too much about myself to others. Will I regret posting this post on regrets?

I regret...dictating my life towards others when I was young because I thought it would bring me friends--something I desired. However, it held me back.

I regret...changing my degree from History to Communication Arts. I wanted to be a history teacher, and even thought about law school.

Amid all those regrets, I would regret if I did not recognize that there are tons of JOYS, and things I will NEVER regret---My membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and all the blessings it has brought to my life, marrying my husband, having children and my family, having true friends are just a few. Thankfully, I have a lot more joys than regrets.

The thing about regrets is that they can make one stop and reflect as to how she can make better choices in the future. How can I be a better daughter, a better wife, a better mother and a better friend today.

I also recognize oddly enough that some of my regrets in life have made my joys possible, so maybe that's what people mean when they say, "No Regrets?

Again, Perhaps. I'm not sure.

But, maybe, just maybe me sharing some of my regrets can help someone else live a life of "NO REGRETS". Is that possible? I hope so.